I’m Not So Heroic..

Over the course of the last few weeks as we’ve made our way through Oak’s recovery, as I’ve shared news about my book, and with the general juggle of this space, motherhood and the holidays, I’ve been called a hero more than I could have ever imagined. And it’s weird, because, nothing I do in motherhood or work seems heroic or grand. Not now, not at all, really. Yet, my dear friends would beg to differ. And as I settle into the uncomfortable nature of what that may mean, I have had no choice but to reflect on this past year with work, motherhood, and general self expectations…

Over the course of the year, I made one of my childhood dreams come true: I finished my proposal and signed a book deal after a fury of meetings and calls. Looking back, it didn’t feel grand, but now realizing the load of that, this space, and mothering River and Oak, it was an enormous load. And still, I fail to see the grandiosity of what life required of me at that time and even now.

Why is it that mothers do that? Why is it that I do that? Is that something you do?

In my weekly therapy sessions, the doctor likes to bring me back down, “Write a list, sit with it.” she says. The list, well the list is to check back in with everything I am to everyone else. And often, the list serves as a reminder to who I am not to myself: Light. Soft. Forgiving.

This year, yes, I guess I did a lot. I guess to some, as I held on to pulling breaths as Oak traveled through a four-hour surgery and as I fail to pull sentences together now as he recovers (I am SO tired!), I displayed some heroic nature as I whaled on the inside. But not to myself. I wasn’t the hero I needed. I cared for myself, but I wasn’t nearly who I should have been to myself.

My book is not only a dream for me, it in many ways, secures a more suitable and sustainable future for my children. Something, any woman, let alone a young black woman from Brooklyn, will hold onto with slipping breaths. That person that wrote that thing and talked her butt off and bounced into meetings, she isn’t a hero, she’s doing the only thing she knows how to do.

As we close out this year, I don’t know guys, I want to work more towards what I don’t know how to do for myself. You know, the parts that remain absent from my list in therapy…

Light. Soft. Self-forgiving.


0 thoughts on “I’m Not So Heroic..

  • Reply Celeste December 21, 2017 at 5:56 pm

    it’s a process. always remember it’s a process! ��

  • Reply Katrien December 23, 2017 at 10:33 am

    i am so so so so SO excited to read your book. congratulations and a huge hug from through the internet wires from a long-time reader and lover of your sentences and soul in your storytelling. best wishes as you offer yourself softness and light for 2018 and beyond. xo

  • Reply lydia @makinglamadre January 10, 2018 at 5:05 pm

    So excited to hear more about this book, saw your IG post and definitely anticipating the release. Embrace the word HERO. You ARE a hero to your children, your husband, your readers, your cousins and likely your mother too. As women, especially those who take care of others, we make it so hard to accept praise and relish the moments when people celebrate us personally and professionally. I know the feeling, it just doesn't feel right when there is so much else going on in the big crazy world. But as a woman, a role model, a mother, a person of color and influence you certainly are a hero. Not because of Oak's surgery, not because you have a book deal and not because you have big number of instagram followers. But simply because you are leading a positive life & speaking your mind. The ins and outs of your real life is what I find heroic. Again, truly looking forward to the book. xx

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