Unwashed, sweaty, a faint smell of a baby’s spit up, pants and shirts decorate my filthy rugs, forgotten iced coffees are left sitting in their dew. The illusion of balance is a lie, the idea of being complete and content in all corners of life is a lie. But we strive for this illusive life that has been portrayed by some, if not many. Our guilt of what has gone undone and what has been neglected grows, and our insecurity of who we are and why we are here grows as well.

Oak stirs in his sleep and cries the “mama come get me cry” and I in the middle of an intensive email tackling session, have to decide to hold off on work or to grab my baby and push through the work before something else mama related pops up. This, in that moment seems like the biggest decision of the day, and the most important. Splitting myself between work and being a mama, or attempting to juggle both positions at once, has become a daily decision. Yet with it, I am reminded that THIS is my only decision in my life as of right now. My problems, if you’d even dare to call them problems are puny ants in a room full of relentless cockroaches. They’re invisible in a world full of so much hurt, pain, and struggling. And this, when I feel as though I want to complain or do the “why me?” song and dance, slams those thoughts down as they should.

 This week, my brother morns his childhood friend (who we all loved like family), who leaves babies… babies behind, and my entire family morns my grandmother-the epitome of beauty and faith, who passed away way too soon a few years back, surprising all of us. During weeks like these, in addition to feeling sort of dragged down by the state of the world, I am left wondering how we can do more? Why are our men, young men, leaving babies fatherless? It shouldn’t be this way. 

The revolving door of freelance jobs for Peter, questions about a stable future, schools and childcare have nothing on what life could be for us, and what others face on a daily basis. We have our health, we have each other, we have the gift of opportunity, the potential for growth, and most importantly we are alive, we are here! For today and forever when I feel just a little bit overwhelmed, I will remember that, I hope you will too.

0 thoughts on “Thoughts

  • Reply Anneke October 27, 2014 at 4:06 pm

    I never really reply to blogs but this is beautiful, thank you.

  • Reply Violet Tinder October 27, 2014 at 4:09 pm

    So true… You put it well. I find myself having a very similar inner monologue some days. Like you said, just slam down the negative thoughts, and keep pressing on. You're doing great xo

  • Reply Yarikza Alexander October 27, 2014 at 4:11 pm

    Your writing is very captivating. I enjoyed reading your blog.

  • Reply Jenny Rothauser October 27, 2014 at 4:32 pm

    This is beautiful. Yes the daily life and the decisions and the agony of some realities doesn't measure up to pure wonder if just being alive and being reminded daily is such magic. As I read your post, my little one says, "mama hold my hand". Talk about synchronicity.

  • Reply Meosha Tall October 27, 2014 at 5:02 pm

    We all need to be reminded of this sometimes. Thank you for being my reminder today.

  • Reply Anonymous October 27, 2014 at 6:50 pm

    This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

  • Reply Meg October 27, 2014 at 11:33 pm

    Thank you so very much for writing this, really and truly. Two weeks ago, I lost my 16 year old brother in a tragic accident. Navigating grief as a mother is so very tricky and I'm finding my children are my best healers. They make me laugh when I'm at my lowest, they hug me when I silently weep, and they remind me how beautifully fragile life is. Thank you so much for speaking to my heart tonight.

  • Reply Anonymous October 28, 2014 at 12:30 am

    Thank you!

  • Reply Josephine Choo October 28, 2014 at 2:06 am

    yes,we need to be reminded about our life sometimes indeed beautiful..though some families might have some sad things happening..thanks,girl.for reminding me about gratitude

    xo josephine c.

  • Reply Tyshia Ingram October 28, 2014 at 4:05 pm

    Thank you for this post. I can relate so much to this. Balance is such a lie. Most days I just make it through. Balance who? Lol. Life is short it really is and we can get so caught up in the things that don't really mean anything. I try to live in the moment. The quiet moments holding my rapidly growing toddler and just watching in amazement at my ever growing kindergartner. Cherishing the moments!


  • Reply Anonymous October 29, 2014 at 12:25 pm


  • Reply Christine Louis-Jacques November 10, 2014 at 9:29 pm

    So beautifully written. Much needed for how I've been feeling lately. Thank you.

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