On Saturday night, skirts twirled and hips twisted as we all celebrated the union of Peter’s sister in Maryland. The wedding was easy, meaningful, and so beautiful. I was a bridesmaid and River was a flower girl. Since Oak is still so very tiny, I was able to wear him down the aisle in a sling and that alone meant so much to me. Throughout the ceremony I cried like a baby, and unfortunately for the audience I am a total ugly crier. I can’t help it. Peter has been videotaping many weddings lately, and always comes home with a story about the bride and groom and their family. We try and apply whatever he heard and learned in our marriage, and always reminisce on the way we felt on our day. This time, I got to witness a wedding for myself, and took away so much for my own marriage. Even though we’ve been married for a few years, it’s always good to take in all of those little reminders from others, and even instill new values that others may have that you did not.
We initially planned a five day trip, where the last leg of it would be spent with Peter’s best friends. But with two kids and a sick mama, we couldn’t follow through with our plans. Even though we had to change our plans, that feeling I get when coming back to the city never ceases to amaze me. It’s still the same as it was when I was a kid and we spent a brief time living out of state, and we would drive hours to visit my grandmother. It’s always like magic. As our car pulled off of the ramp and as both kids soundly slept, and Peter and I held hands, I got that feeling again. With all that good I felt, I also arrived feeling a bit heavy in thought. This blog, where it’s headed, my lack of desire to post, and feeling guarded on what to share and not share. When I lost my baby, I reluctantly jotted down my various waves of emotions in this space. I remember sitting with my loss therapist a few weeks after and just started balling my eyes out. I didn’t want to talk to her about what had happened, I didn’t want to be there… but I stayed and I talked. One of the things that I will always remember saying is ” I don’t want this to be my story. ” I didn’t want to become the girl who lost the baby well into her second trimester. But after more talking with her and sharing on this blog, I was proud that I was that girl. Through sharing I was able to help others and heal myself. And with that this blog grew organically. I was comfortable sharing bits about River, my loss, and eventually my pregnancy. The support outweighed any doubts I had in regards to the negativity that also comes with blogging. I had genuinely fell in love with where the space was at during that time of my life.
When asked, I would quickly say that once blogging became like a “job” for me I would stop. I only want to do things that I am truly passionate about, and if the time arrived that I felt like I was half ass-ing it I would just change it or stop. Life’s just too short to waste time. When Oak arrived I didn’t feel like I wanted to share my kids on my blog anymore. I didn’t want them to be overexposed, I didn’t want people to assume they knew my kids without actually knowing them. And with all that and the obvious joy of a newborn, I wanted to just spend the first few weeks of Oak’s life living in the now, and enjoying this wonderful family I’m so lucky to have. That’s when this blog felt like a job.
And there we were, at my sister in-laws wedding, where we all catch up and all of my supportive and astonishingly loving family that I inherited met me with love about this space. My honesty, and how it truly is my space, and how seeing bits of River and my life through fashion was a favorite topic. Our natural birth and wether or not I would share more about how awesome it was to birth without fear also came up quite a few times as well. I felt myself talking with confidence and yearning for that feeling I once had when I shared here when it was just River, when I ignored the negativity. I found myself eating my words in reference to no longer sharing parts of my kid’s lives on here (I mentioned completely cutting them out of the blog on Instagram and it became a comment frenzy. The picture was later deleted.) I truly felt bad for those of you who followed along with my loss and subsequent pregnancy, and the amazing birth of Oak. In that moment I felt as if I cheated you all. As if I was dishonest. I let you in and then shut you out once I got what I wanted, my baby. For that I’m sorry, that was never my intention.
This space, the space that I share with you all, it will encompass things that are in fact all of me from now on, just how it was right before Oak. This blog is a lifestyle blog. My kids are very much a part of me. They push me daily, and how could I blog honestly without acknowledging them from time to time? I don’t think referencing them, and having their pictures shown once in a while is over exposure in the slightest. I think the topic of such is such a long and heated one, and that each parent has to look deeply within and make the decision for what they feel is best for their kids.
I still find it quite disturbing that others will flat out fabricate stories, assume, and speak negatively about someone and their family they know nothing of. Why? I spent my teenage years fighting. And naturally, the fighter in me wants to defend every lie with the truth, but since all are lies, that would take days. Days that I don’t want to spend addressing negativity when I could spend that time cuddling my loves. I live a really good life, a life I’m proud of, a life of happiness, wholeness, and honesty. A life that I will continue to share in this space in bits that I feel comfortable with. This space will be a for-profit blog, as it was before. This space will include fashion, something I’ve been involved in for 8 years of my life. I hope you all know that this is only a very tiny portion of my life, and even though we feel as though we truly know someone, we in fact can’t possibly really know someone through bits they share on the internet. This space will ultimately be a happy and honest space that I enjoy it being, a reflection of me. I’ve grown so much here. I know I’m not the best at responding to your comments and emails, but do know that I love you guys and I’m so very thankful for all of your support!