Three plus years a mother, so much has changed and oh, how I’ve grown. I often think about the rush of emotions I went through as I found out that I in-fact was carrying a baby. I was young, I wasn’t married, I partied quite a bit, I worked a lot, and my boyfriend and I were in one of those crazy passionate relationships. And in considering all of those things, I was open to all of my options as a woman. At the time the easiest one “seemed” like choosing to not be a mother. I made all the arrangements, approved the decision with my boyfriend, and even ignored the opposition and concerns from our families. Mothering just did not seem to fit in my life at 20. Late one night, as I hung up from making an appointment that would have been the door that led to another life for me I am sure, my boyfriend called me. As I laid in bed crying, fighting internally with my decision, but also fully believing that what was going to take place was the only correct choice for my life then, Peter’s called changed everything. Immediately I noticed that he was broken, his voice was shaken, and upon hearing him I started to cry. He asked me to let him speak, and there in that moment, between his broken-crying voice and mine, we both decided that we actually did not know what was best for us, but we did know we couldn’t follow through with what had been previously planned. In that moment, we chose to be parents. In that moment, I became a mother.

Years later, I stand by my decision, but I also stand by the notion of choice. We were in love (we still are quite the passionate couple), we had a supportive family, and with that I knew I could become –at least– a mediocre parent to the baby growing inside of me.

This morning, as my own mother slept in the next room, and as River woke up before the sun singing songs of spring and chatting about her favorite yogurt, it all hit me once again. That crazy love you get upon finding out your carrying a baby, upon pushing your child out into this world, the kind that sticks around even as they wake you up bright and early, and eventually when they become a mother themselves and have you run from state to state to pick up all the preparation pieces to welcome yet another baby, it never goes away. That love, it’s innate, hella scary, and also crazy good. There’s nothing else like it, and to even feel it for tiny sliver of time… it changes you, whether you welcome it or not. It changes you forever.

As I become a mother times two, I realize that every single day of motherhood I am changed. I look on that phone call between Peter and I, how I felt brave and scared crapless all at once. How I had to put trust in myself that I could and would be more that just a mediocre parent, but a vessel of constant love, even through the sleepless nights and early mornings, and even the moments when my own mother has to step in and pick up the pieces and remind me that I’m doing amazing. I am changed. 

Today and everyday, I am grateful for this journey called motherhood.

Happy Mother’s Day you beautiful mamas.

0 thoughts on “Motherhood

  • Reply Kate Smith May 9, 2014 at 11:16 pm

    Love this post! I became a mother in very similar circumstances to you, and I now could not imagine life without that unexpected little gift that I very nearly sent back.

  • Reply Annie Messing May 9, 2014 at 11:22 pm

    "I stand by my decision, but I also stand by the notion of choice." Yes!! I'm reminded of that critical scene in Juno when when decided to keep her baby. Great post! xoxo, Annie from Brimful

  • Reply Thelma Higgs May 10, 2014 at 6:47 am

    Beautiful story , I enjoyed reading it. Glad that you followed your heart.

  • Reply TerinAleah May 10, 2014 at 2:02 pm

    Happy Mother's Day! <3 How inspiring of you to share your story – looking back, I'm sure you couldn't imagine now not having that beautiful baby!

  • Reply Dee Kay May 10, 2014 at 7:05 pm

    Beautiful and touching and the picture is just so fitting. This resonates with me in so many ways. The love I feel for my babies is one that I have never felt before. I'm filled with so much love that at times it scares me…From one mama to another Happy Mother's day 🙂
    Ms Dee Kay

  • Reply Ashlee Sanders May 11, 2014 at 4:11 am

    This is so great. So much wisdom in "I am changed." Yes, that's how it feels. Love to you and yours.

    Ashlee @

  • Reply Katy Acquaye-Tonge May 11, 2014 at 7:39 am

    I had goosebumps reading this beautiful story! I love the sense of hope that sits alongside that feeling when things seemingly do not fit and yet you know that you're destined to make those not so easy choices. It's like knowing there's treasure buried deep and having no idea where.

    I loved hearing the story of how you chose to become a mama. You and Peter made a wise and powerful decision and what amazing treasure you unearthed! x

  • Reply Amanda May 11, 2014 at 9:03 am

    Thank you for sharing your story and insight with us! Motherhood is so amazing, but it's such an important and personal choice – you def. have to be "ready" to accept the challenge. So much love!

  • Reply Teen Halpin May 12, 2014 at 1:13 pm

    This is an amazingly compassionate, thoughtful & prolific take on the concept of choice. Your speak with wisdom, Mama, happy Mother's Day to you as well!

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:42 am

    Thank you Thelma, so am I

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Oh my goodness, I can't even think of the "what if"


  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Happy Mother's Day to yo as well love

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:43 am

    Thank you Ashlee

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:44 am

    Thank you Katy! Its crazy, even if there is just a tiny bit of hope, everything works out just fine. 😉

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 13, 2014 at 5:45 am

    Thank you so much!

  • Reply Anonymous May 13, 2014 at 5:29 pm

    This is such an eloquent post on your decision to become a mother. I find it very brave for you to share something so personal, and I'm very happy I got to read it. Thank you for sharing. And happy belated mother's day!

  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 22, 2014 at 3:06 pm

    Thank you so much. I know this is a more personal post, but I hope in writing it, it encourages others who might be struggling with something similar.


  • Reply LaTonya Yvette May 22, 2014 at 3:08 pm

    Thank you Kate, we both made amazing decisions.

  • Reply charlene gladden December 3, 2014 at 4:52 pm

    I've never commented on a blog entry, but your account of motherhood is so warmly touching… it made me cry. I'm a new mom myself, and am overwhelmed with how deep joy, fear, emotion and postpartum-fueled-anger for wanting to be better fuels such big love… Your honesty is refreshing, because jeez this mothering thing is hard and incredible all at the same time.

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