Thoughts of Two

The holidays always make me nostalgic for a large family. My house growing up as a child, was full of lots of laughs, fights, and love. There was five of us, and looking back, I am not quite sure how the heck my mother did it all. Somedays I think about how easy it would have been for her to throw her hands in the air, and say I’m done. My life, and her’s as a mother is quite different, but the largest common ground was and is that we are both young mothers. Granted, my mom was still a teen when she became a mother, and I literally just hit official adulthood when I became a mother. Motherhood between 16 and 21 seems relatively close, especially when you are both also married.

My mom never skimped on the holidays. Maybe there was one or two, where we didn’t receive a lot. She always apologized over and over, because she frankly just didn’t have it. But it never felt like less. With a lot of siblings, everything is everyone’s… and that made up for any lack of money.

I think about in the hardest times, my brothers, sister, and I, we had each other. And River, well right now… she doesn’t have anyone besides her father and I. She has her long list of friend’s- and quite frankly her social calendar is far more booked than my own. But no one to tell secrets to on a daily, no one to team up on her poor mother with, no one to help her tear the house a part bit by bit. Those are the kinds of things I want for her. More than I actually want a newborn, I want a sibling for that girl above smiling so hard.

She talks of brothers and sisters with such power and significance, like in her past life she had many. Or maybe it’s just something like a dream for her… something she’s wanting to happen soon. Her list of first cousins, and second cousins, and third cousins, trail far beyond my count. There are many, and thankfully, a lot of them she gets to see regularly; like her cousin Seon (pictured above). He’s an only child too, and I can’t help but think if they have filled each other’s need for a sibling.

Back in April when I lost the baby (some of you have been asking, I lost the baby because of  PPROM-  my body went into labor too early) the hardest thing was telling River. For weeks, she asked about the baby… weeks. And even after, there are days when I get undressed, and she looks at me with a different curiosity. Confused about the belly that is no longer. There is not enough explaining, not enough simple words in my vocabulary to explain that kind of pain. Most days, I don’t hurt for myself, I hurt for her. 

Next time when we are pregnant, River will be the last to know. When my pregnancy is far far along, and the baby is almost on it’s way of meeting us-that’s when she’ll know. That’s when it will feel right to tell her. I smile from ear to ear just thinking about her reaction.

Two, seems like a lot, but for us two or more seems perfect.

The holiday’s with a Thanksgiving table full of happy faces of all my babies that remind me of Peter, or myself, or maybe even my mother- I can’t wait for that.

xo